heart. on. sleeve.

heart. on. sleeve.

no matter what. 

do you know people who wear pretty clothes like this?

i do.

it is a rare beauty.

women who ARE who they ARE.

and "heart. on. sleeve." CONFIDENT about it.

they share, confide and trust

not only for the growth of themselves but in an effort to learn from one another.
help each other.

i have consistent women in my life, just like this -  who amaze me.
lovely, stunning, amazing and loyal.
...from head to SOUL.....

with sweet little hearts on their sleeves....

  together we can be..

confused. 

 determined.

 irritated. 

joyous.
mixed up.

sad. 

loving. 

overwhelmed. 

desperate.

sassy.
imperfect. 

silly.

secure.
messy.

vulnerable.

intrigued.

lost.

found.

... AND SHOW ALL OF IT, and more ...

anytime. all the time.

THAT is true beauty in "heart. on. sleeve." friendship.

women who know EVERYTHING about you and love you just the same.

women that never need to forgive...

because they never hold on to anything long enough to even matter.

women who know for certain that life gets messy for EVERYONE, and JUDGEMENT is not an option.
 ever. 

no matter what.

 ...don't  you EVER mistake "heart. on. sleeve"  as weakness, or insecurity, or fake.

it just is what it is...out there.  

period.  

no apologies.
but remember
just because you are who you are...

rest assured.
 you will need to be tough, sweet girl.

i have learned...from time to time...  

you will be judged

people will assume you weak
fake
insecure
they will go away

wondering why you were SO "heart.on.sleeve" with them.

they will think you are permanently confused, and lost
they are mistaken.
...because really YOU are brilliantly transparent and clear.

just open.

it will hurt. a lot.

{try to get over it, quickly}

 please - please remember.

they are wrong.
 it is COMPLETELY

100% their loss. 

cause "heart. on. sleeve." -  is as real as it gets...  just sayin'. 

so...

just keep putting that pretty heart upon your sleeve and KNOW without a doubt.

you are you.

and THAT is all that matters.

sometimes....

sometimes....

i wish i could be everything that everyone expects me to be.
i wish i could be what I EXPECT me to be.
i wish i could run away.
i wish i could stay right where i am.
i wish i had made different choices.
i wish i knew exactly who i am.
i wish i hadn't said what i said.
i wish i was prettier.
i wish i was younger. {not really, ok - i take that one back...HA!}
i wish i was smarter.
i wish i could give more.
i wish i could love more.
i wish i could think more deeply.
i wish i could be light hearted.
i wish i was skinnier.
i wish i was more spiritual.
i wish i was older.
i wish i had what she has.
i wish i hadn't opened my heart.
i wish i could start over.
i wish i was stronger.
i wish i could escape.
i wish i didn't feel those feelings.
i wish i didn't wish for a thing more than i actually have.
i wish.......so many things.
...and often so opposite of one another.
it's so complicated - when i know it COULD be so simple.

but guess what.

all the time....i know.....way deep down....that we are growing.....always have been....always will be.
our wishes...make that happen.
all the time....we know.....way deep down....we do our best....even if it doesn't seem so at the time.


i know.  like i know. like i know - everything will be perfect.  no matter what.  no. matter. what.

it is just how it is.

faith.
hope.
love.

live by it.

always.

every stumble.  every tear.  every fear. every moment.  perfection......in its own perfect way.

so my wish for YOU.....faith. hope. love.  so that all YOUR wishes come true....just like mine will.
AND a not so perfect life that is JUST PERFECT.

the heart wants what it wants....

"the heart wants what it wants" 

lisa hetrick one of my brilliant artists turned this sentiment in to me. 

thank.you. lisa.

the heart wants what it wants.

think about it.

i wish i would have used this in a conversation i had this weekend with a friend.

but. nope.....

instead of just summing it up in a short sweet sentence, 

i went on and on and on about a million things.

trying to explain.  trying to express....trying to understand...and tearing the situation apart with "reasoning"

when really - there is no "reason" ...just  feeling.

sometimes it is just in your heart. 

hearts feel. they don't reason.

the heart wants what it wants.

right, wrong or otherwise. 

it happens. 

your heart is where your passion starts.

with a feeling. listen to it. 

right away - cause no matter what...

your heart wins.

you can fight it.

shut it down.

shut it out,

ignore.

 but if it is deep inside your heart.

it will remain.

no. matter. what.

so next time.

as you you try to explain your feelings, your situation, your dreams, your actions....

remember this sentiment.

the heart wants what it wants.

and for that you don't have to make any excuses.

no regrets.

it is what it is.....

and there is a purpose for it.

and really....in the end....after all is said and done....

you can't change it anyway.

you wouldn't want to.

so go with it.

live it.

feel it.

and know that....

following your heart will always bring you to exactly where you are meant to be.

and again i can say...

THAT is a beautiful thing.

don't you think?

i hesitate.

i have to admit.

sometimes.

i hesitate.

i hover my little arrow over the "publish" button.

for a long time. 

wondering if i should be so transparent.
do i let my heart fly free?

"being judged" is a little bit of a pet peeve of mine.

i have to be honest!

so knowing...

in one second you are taking absolutely everything you are feeling and just throwing it out there to those that are amazing, fabulous & sweet right along with the vultures, the judgers, the "first lifers" {hee, hee, -sorry} ....it's unsettling at times!

it is all really great when it is a pretty picture you are painting.

and i CAN paint pretty pictures with words :) 

any.single. time. i want to.

but.

when it is not so pretty.

typically, i close my eyes.

toss up a prayer...

..and hope - with all my heart that what i am feeling makes a difference in ONE persons life.

just ONE.

that is all.

 one of my favorite quotes. 

{right stacy}

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to 

another:

"What! You too? I thought I was the only one." 

— C.S. Lewis

this morning.

i woke up to emails.

SO MANY EMAILS.

sweet friends. new & existing.

my "what! you TOO" friends.

i love those kind.

women with empathy.

the ones who have lived and experienced so much that they want to take the time to feel what others feel.

the ones who are mature enough to not have to always have to paint a pretty picture.

the learners. 

the survivors. 

free of judgement.

the women that have endured.

time and time again.

the ones that really "get" it.

i am inspired by you.

my eternal gratitude.

for ALL the emails.

sharing your story - knowing i happen to have one of my own & trusting me with yours.

i love people with a story.

happy, sad and everything in between. 

{gives me the chills}

THAT is living.

knowing....

YOU ARE RIGHT where you SHOULD BE. 

feeling it, sharing it, knowing with your entire heart it will help on some level.

{right Eva?}

some days are off.
so what.
celebrate them by being off.
really, it is ok.
it is BETTER than ok.
you might be surprised.
being OFF can make you that much more real
and definitely...
that much more lovable.
perfection is SO very boring.
i'm just sayin'.

sometimes. i am just plain confused.

WHO AM I, anyway? 

geez.  

sometimes it is SO CLEAR.

other times it is as mysterious as the black hole.

life can be confusing.

people are confusing.

situations throw me off ALL THE TIME.

{THAT is an understatement, but a good thing - don't get me wrong} 

i really don't know if i want to admit how confused i get sometimes.

i am confident and confused.

is that possible? 

at this age, aren't we supposed to be fairly clear most of the time. 

those important things like: 

who means what....

where your heart is....

what you stand for?

today - it occurred to me - the answer is maybe not ALL the time.

clarity comes and goes.

that is a beautiful thing because it challenges us. 

a.lot.

you never know for certain, because all the restoration we do of our "selves" consistently has a trickle down effect.

it trickles to every single layer of your complex soul. 

sometimes, things we thought we could deal with, we can't deal with anymore - or we just refuse to.

sometimes, the belief that we held dear - goes through  transformation to fit an even stronger belief.  

sometimes, one moment, has the ability to alter your life, significantly. 

 sometimes, a necessary occurrence far beyond your understanding emerges and leaves you trying to pick up all the pieces.

sometimes is seems like a tragedy....
but really - i promise you - and i promise myself - it isn't.

 a NEW puzzle is necessary - a NEW picture is to be painted - far more beautiful than the one that currently is hanging on the walls of your heart. 

 in order for you to grow. 

 things happen. 

and will continue to happen.

forever and ever.

amen. 

i read this today.

"....good is underneath every single thing that appears to be negative.  If we can know that good is all there is, including in a negative situation, then we will see a negative situation transform into all good.  Most people keep the good away from themselves because they label something as bad, and then of course, that become their reality.  But there is no bad in the Universe; it is just our inability to see things clearly from the bigger perspective.  Peace comes from knowing that good is all that exists."

WOWSA.

THAT'S a thinker.

agree - disagree.

either way it has the power to make a person contemplate situations at hand. 

&

it is all good.

i have seen tragedy - heart wrenching - tear jerking - all out hysterical tragedy turn into amazing miracles. 

it just takes time.

faith.

persistance.

and consistently knowing without a doubt that something greater than any of us is there. always.

my day just got a little less numb. 

i needed that.

sometimes writing it out is all it takes. 

i love life. 

it  really, really is a beautiful thing.

my hope for you.

beautiful distractions that lead you to questions and answers and then MORE questions.

it is the only way to live....

may heartfelt chaos be ALL yours.

shift your awareness...

....sometimes don't you just miss that someTHING, or someONE, a time, or even a place? just a little twinge of something inside your heart that longs for that one moment, or that one person, or that one FEELING...but you just can't put your finger on it. i get that way sometimes.... i'm just sayin'. ♥

yep.

and that "sometimes" happened last night.

i got a little tangled up.

i don't even know why.

too much thinking perhaps?

too many expectations from me - of me?

all these loose ends hanging in my soul and suddenly a big wind comes up  & tangles them all up into a big GIGANTIC mess.

it happens.

so.

knowing me.

and.....

in order to feel whatever it was i was feeling i walked outside.

by myself....

late in the evening.

walked up into the field in the back of my house.

and just sat.

for a very long time.

thinking. about nothing.

is that possible?

then i decided that i needed to just let a few tears fall.

i was alone, i might as well.

i don't even know why.

maybe it was for the family that just lost their son in the war.

maybe it was for a young mother who's husband was taken suddenly in an accident.

maybe it was for all the little things that unfold consistently around me that i want to fix, but can't.

maybe it was for 

what was, what is, and what potentially could be

maybe it was just because i could, and it is a good thing to do.

as the emotions cleared away,

i felt a sense of peace.....

i like to call it a shift in awareness.

clarity.

deep breath.

making my way back to my front door... i looked up.

at my stars.

{they are the prettiest above my house, did you know that?}

God had a little gift just for me up in the sky last night....something i had never noticed in my entire life.

this......

i have been alive THIS LONG and never noticed.

....what is referred to as pleiades - or the seven sisters.

i am sure i learned about it in the science class i never enjoyed.

i am sure it had been pointed out a time or two through the years.

however....i NEVER really noticed till last night.

i wasn't ready...it was waiting for the perfect moment to become apparent...

and that moment was last night.

i felt like columbus discovering america.

HA!

i blinked a couple times.

wondering if it was the mascara in my eyes that blurred all the stars together.

sure enough

it remained.

what i was seeing was real and SO breath-taking.

...and all of this because 

i shifted.

i stopped. i noticed.

makes a girl wonder what else she has been missing all these years.

my wish for you.

appreciation for what is.

however....

the next time that you....

....miss that someTHING, or someONE, a time, or even a place?

and just a little twinge of something inside your heart longs for that one moment, or that one person, or that one FEELING...

take a moment.

for yourself.

feel it and find your shift.

...and perhaps you will become aware of the simple gifts that surround you.  

they have been there all along just waiting for you to notice. 

THAT is a BEAUTIFUL thing.

 miracles happen.

wishes come true.

THIS i know for sure.

...one night...a long, long, time ago.

i was a single mama.

did you know that?

it was my birthday.

january 13, 1993

i was turning 20.

i was just a baby....but not.

i HAD a baby. one year old. 

i was a girl who had been through more than most women my age NOW.

i won't go into details. 

just trust me. 

wise beyond my years through experience.

back to the story.

i lived in the basement of my parents house, with my baby boy.

nic.

{oh...how i love that boy}

side note: he is now 18. what? how does that happen?

i was going to college full time, waitressing full time, and being a full time mama.

life was busy.

to say the least.

again...it was january 13, 1993....

...and i was feeling very, very, very...did i say very? - very sorry for myself.

 i had just gotten done with a 6 hour day at college and then waitressing at MELVINS.

i had a baby asleep.  

...and it was my birthday.

nobody was home.

parents in florida.

empty house.

no celebration.

just me....

 and my 20 year old/ 50 year old soul.

i sat on my bed. 

looked up at the book shelf. 

spotted the 1989 yearbook from NEW LONDON-SPICER Highschool

& 

walked over to it.

pulled it off the shelf

held it in my hands....and let it fall open.

up in the right hand corner.

i saw this.

it fell RIGHT to his picture.

my heart skipped a beat.

christian magnuson.....christian magnuson....

my head did a little inventory of what i knew about him.

i played tennis doubles with his sister.

he had the SAME girlfriend all through high-school.

he was a "nice" guy.

hmmmm.......

called my girlfriend jenny.

{remember that, jenny?}

inquired.

asked.

one month - 7 days later.

we went on our first date. 

{i will blog that another time}

that was february 20, 1993.

december 24, 1993 he proposed.

september 17, 1994 he married me.

16 years later.  

that SAME yearbook sits to my left this very moment.

we have been blessed.

it has been a road full of twists, turns and everything in between.

....however.....

i think

no matter what....

i will love him forever.

he's pretty lovable.

thanks, sweetie.

for the good times, the bad times, the crazy times....

thanks for saving me.

thanks for being saved by me.

we have done good.

don't ya think?

nothing is ever perfect....never will be.....truth be told - i don't want it to be....

because perfect is boring.

just to know love....on any level....

is ALL worth it.

...and i love you.

this i know for sure.

...the head shake.

Life is simple, it's just not easy....

this year...

 so far...

 i have lost 4 computer mouses 

{mouses? computer mice? - whatever...you know what i am talking about} 

i leave them places. 

{i am sure at least one is somewhere in my fluffy green couch cushions}

chris gave me his computer mouse today, cause i lost mine. {again}

 as he handed it to me he gave me one little warning "don't loose it"

i did.

can you believe that?  who does that?

however... it didn't STAY lost because it could only be one of two places.

on my desk, or outside in the grass where i set up office this afternoon.

guess where it was.

yep...outside....in the grass.

WHO DOES THAT?

chris just shook his head.

he does that a lot.

the "head shake"

common practice in regard to the antics of his wife.

then, yesterday...

i innocently announced {more like yelled} to all the guys in the back room....

"see ya later!"

"GOING HOME TO MAKE A VIDEO!!!"

they REALLY got a kick out of THAT...minds. in. gutters.

again.

chris just shook his head.

love me or leave me, baby. :)

my playlist is like me.

*********

warning: some musical content may not be agreeable to some.

advice: don't judge me {please} - just skip the ones you don't like, VERY quickly... 

*********

so i have to admit - when i listen to my playlist - posted ABOVE - it makes me think....

it is a little {well, a lot} like my personality.

one extreme to the other.

a little dramatic.

a little edgy.

maybe....sometimes....

a wee bit sassy.

just plain depressed.

then SUPER happy again.

makes life interesting to say the least, right?

is that a bad thing? 

maybe i have an illness.

HA!

 i hope to think that is the story of everyone that is taking a journey in this wonderful life of ours.

we are just all over the place.

gettin' to where we are going - where ever that is.
trying our very hardest to ENJOY the MOMENT as we CREATE IT.

today.

you would have never known yesterday existed.

it was a HAPPY TUESDAY!!!!!
hooray!

{please if you are into psychology avoid diagnosis at this moment - i am fine - i assure you.}

i had the same circumstances looming around me as i did yesterday, however today they were looked at as CHALLENGES - with HOPE.

change of perspective is EVERYTHING.

i'm tellin' ya.

i have been told that since i was a little girl.

at 4 i looked up at my mother as she said...

"change your attitude, angela"

that is a true story.

today my attitude changed.

thanks to encouragement, friendship, putting things in perspective, finding hope hidden somewhere deep inside me and putting all of that to good use in the aid to:

"change my attitude"

so next time i post a sappy photo and an "eeyore" {from winnie-the-pooh} type attitude, can you all just take charge and give me a SWIFT - change your attitude talk like my mama?

 Mr. Gibran has hit it spot on with the information below.

i'm listenin'

“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”

Kahlil Gibran quotes

p.s. 
random fact of the day:
 all polar bears are left handed.
did you know that?
i didn't.
:)

...to all of YOU who had ONE OF THOSE Mondays.

monday.kicked.my.butt.

for real.

today was just one of those days.

nothing super tragic.

nothing super great.

just a butt kicking monday.

------------

i woke up with SUPER intentions on having a GREAT day.

i even CHALLENGED monday to bring it on.

yep...word of advice...don't do that.

moments after i posted the so called CHALLENGE...guess what HAPPENED!

BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG.

police officer at the door.

barking complaint.

nice, huh?

i won't go into details because i am too nice to think of doing that...for now.

{..and mr. police officer - in case you are reading this...THANK YOU for being so kind - that was the PLUS of my day!}

-------------------

then it just happened.

non-stop.

one teenie annoyance after the other.

till...

angela, out.

{i can do that. job perk}

...my fluffy green couch was my destination with my MAC.

day finished there...pouting.

getting work done, but pouting just the same.

i can do that - i was alone.

however...now...i am shaking it off.

because i can.

so i will.

i am gonna head to Luke's football game.

take a little note pad for all the grand ideas that just may float into my brain while i am there and START tomorrow with a grand new plan.

that is the beauty of tomorrow, right?

i just don't think i will toss out a conceited challenge to 

"Bring it ON" 

I tend to learn from my mistakes.

so to all of you who had the same..."kinda icky" day.

{{{{hugs}}}}

let's move forward and do it all better tomorrow!

because...

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

Mary Anne Radmacher quotes