Saturday, August 20, 2016

Numb.

when your heart goes numb.
when you feel nothing. zero.
just existence.

it's annoying. 
i will say that. 
'cause i am a feeler. 
i am addicted to it in a sense.
i am led by my heart.
instincts.
feelings.

something has happened.
i think my heart is broken. 
it's not working normally. 

numb.

i want the rush of joy that makes my heart flip flop.
the comfort of love that warms my soul
the feeling of anticipation that inspires hope. 

i want the sorrow that invokes a prolonged session of tears.
i want the anger that spurs me to make changes.
i want to feel. something. anything.

maybe. 
numb is the way this universe protects us. 
knowing when we have endured far too much....
it puts our soul under general anesthesia 
so we DO NOT feel. 
for once.

maybe. 

or perhaps we have felt so much for so long.
we simply kinda have run out of feelings.
temporarily.

perhaps we have felt what OTHERS feel so intensely 
we now are taking a moment to lose the empath in us....
and surround our hearts with armor. 
so we don't lose it completely.

be numb. 

protect your sanity. let it be ok. for now.
but don't accept it as normal.
being numb....requires a diligent return to life.
we can't let this demon stick around long.

life is meant to be felt. 
deeply. passionately. wildly.
to be moved in one direction or another through our feelings. 
our instincts. the nudging of our hearts. 

listen to music till your heart stirs.
watch a favorite movie. 
meet with a friend.
love up someone you love.
do what it takes. 

life requires you.















Monday, November 9, 2015

it is....but it isn't.



 on one level everything is good.
 beautiful. stellar. amazing.
you hold true. 
you maintain.
you do what you can.
you just make it all lovely. like always.
stellar.
it's good, right?

but....
like an off beat country song.....
that everyone loves.
cause they just GET IT.
it's not all that OK.
it's off. 
beautifully off.

perfection is an illusion.
it does not exist. 
ever.

but you can MAKE it work.
cause you LOVE the people you want it to work for. 
it's a no matter what situation...

however...

at SOME point.
your heart.
gives up.
is pushed.
doesen't fit.
so....

you go. let go.
it's a must situation.


everyone can BEG you to stay. 
it works out for them.
perfectly.
you staying.
in the same place.
over. and over and over. 
it's a pretty comfortable scenario.
FOR EVERYONE.
....else.

so....
here is the simple truth.

YOU 
love me?

ok.

then.
i matter.
my efforts.
my faults.
my love.
my stupid sixth sense.
my in-ability to let go
easily. 

every single day.

life is so LIFE.
and i embrace it.

feel it.

don't expect anything different of me ever.

till you come up with something stupidly funny.
then i got ya. 

xoxo,
ang.

















Thursday, February 12, 2015

LOVE is what matters.

so. 
23 years ago.
this boy came into my life.

i knew at that VERY moment. 
i would not ever in a million years be the same.
insta-love.

my heart.
expanded. 
in an instant. 
life became.....well.....LIFE.

don't you love it when that happens?

 altering existence. 
becoming a mama.

but not the only way....to feel altered in this beautiful life.
good gracious - there are SO MANY ways to expand this heart of ours.

i think...
we wake up every morning.
the same - yet different.
because every little experience, conversation, interaction
changes us.
slightly.
or significantly.

sometimes poor decisions of our past.
come sneaking up.
right there, we face the reality of decisions we have made made...that hurt.
we are human...and love, life, and crazy...happen.
but at the same time.
it all comes around and there is a time and a place you have to stop hiding.

time to admit your insecurities, bad decisions, poor judgement 
...and just say you are sorry.

 life altered.
heart expanding.

freedom.

what was. is now simply a story.
an experience. 
never repeated.

life. 
don't ever say "never"
NEVER happens far more often then forever.

however.....
after all is said and done.
LOVE
is what matters.


Thursday, January 29, 2015

7 months later.....

someday i will be consistent. 
but for now. 
i am not.
for now i am all over the place.
why?
because consistency is boring to me. 
always has been...most likely always will be.
{my poor kids} 
one minute they have bins full of matched socks, and underwear and clean clothes.
...the next minute. 
nada.
NOTHING.
but.....
they deal.
why? 
because they ALL know.
i am consistent with ONE THING.
LOVE.
it never leaves.... ever.
not for a second,
not when it comes to them.

i might flounder in my personal life.
i may not be the best wife, or friend, or business owner.
but....
my babies. 
pure consistency.

with LIFE.
i am ALL over the place. 
regressing. then progressing.
figuring things out.
but.....
with LOVE.
nope.
consistent.

i guess when it all comes down to it.
i hope  my un-conditional love is evident.
 no strings.
no expectations.
just here.
always.
no. matter. what..

life. 
good gracious. 
i had no clue.

 THIS life....
i love.
SO GRATEFUL.
good God. i am blessed.

at the end of the day.
LOVE.
love.
LoVe.
it forgives, it forgets, it accepts, it understands.
it holds zero expectations.
it lifts up.

judgement is a joke.
ACCEPTANCE is everything.
taking what is good and bad and understanding.
SO VERY BEAUTIFUL.
because not ONE SOUL has taken our journey.
not one.

everything in me wants to be perfect.
nothing in me is.
but i LOVE.
deep. and i hope in the end.
that means EVERYTHING.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

THAT girl.



....once upon a time.
THAT girl.
had it all figured out.

that girl.
woke up every day with clear direction.
sure thoughts.
and everything simply “fell into place”.
'cause that girl MADE it seem that way. 
regardless.
she was the "sure" thing.
the constant. 
the strength.
that girl.
right? 
you have known her.
been her?

sure strength.
sure love.
sure beauty.
sure. 
of anything. and everything. 
100%.
convinced.
100%.
{of her illusion}

SHE pushed through what needed pushing through.
with a smile.
...and the sweetness of the sweetest. 
that girl always did what needed to be done.
no. matter. what.
{self compromising by the minute.}

... all was well and right in her world.
that girl knew exactly what it took.
and she did it. 
what else is she to do? 
she is THAT girl, after all.

THAT. girl.
is a mama.
a friend.
a wife. 
a employee/employer.
a woman.
everything.
to everyone.
AND ALL THE SAME 
she is simply a girl.
just keepin' on.
keepin' on.
not to be underestimated.
{not for a second}

THAT girl.
{perfection at its least – and best – go figure.}

so what if...
suddenly.
SHE
isn't exactly THAT girl anymore?

what if.
perfection. 
fades to imperfection.
and clear direction becomes swayed.
what if.
everything that used to fall gracefully into place.
simply crashes?
HARD.
what if.
everything changes?
SHE changes. 
a little here. a little there.
and VOILA.

suddenly - who's THAT GIRL!?!?!
:)

SHE is.
she IS.
THAT girl.
still.
but different. 
better.

love her if you want to.
or don't.
she isn't all that concerned. 
'cause now...she has 
flaws and imperfections.
that make her real.
wants and needs.
that are evident and straight forward.
passion. 
that doesn't apologize.
 crazy and lack of crazy.
simply because she knows her boundaries.
you should explore her mind and her heart. 
'cause you can. 
'cause she MIGHT just let you.
 she is not sure about one damn thing.
and won't pretend to be.
 honor her strength,  adore her weakness.
whatever.
she cares ABOUT you not WHAT you think. 

SHE simply IS.
she has NOTHING figured out with certainty.
but EVERYTHING resides in hope.
and she prefers it that way..... 
she is beautifully confused.
gorgeous chaos.
reckless.
living. 
loving.
IN it.
TO FEEL IT.

it's a THAT girl thing.
get it. or don't. 
been there  - or haven’t.
admit it or not.

THIS girl is good either way.




Thursday, January 2, 2014

sometimes....we love. without loving.

life has this way of throwing us off.
a little bit.
ya know?

suddenly everything that made sense...
makes no sense.

our souls are so strong.
yet maybe a little lost.
they are SOULS for goodness sake.
NOTHING is going to break them, yet EVERYTHING is going to challenge them.
that is the purpose, right.

they are persevere-ant.
but at the same time.
still searching.
always -
for what exactly it is....
that makes them stir.

it takes a lifetime to understand.

i think.
we are MEANT to feel.
in this moment.
in order to get to where we are going.

so every time someone or something....
whispers.
pay attention.
everything matters.
on some level or another.

soak it in - or let it go.
your choice.


Monday, December 23, 2013

GET out of your HEAD. i dare ya.

funny thing.
someone just gave me a piece of advice i have needed for a VERY LONG time.

"YOU need to get out of YOUR OWN HEAD"

truth. so MUCH TRUTH.

GET out of MY OWN HEAD.
it is EXACTLY my problem.
i am so relieved!!!!!
someone finally had the guts to shoot it to me straight!

it's what i have done always.

i take a thought to entertain - create a monster - and beat the shit out of it.
...and then just when i think i have won.
sucker comes alive again.
and i just sit and stare like, REALLY?!
then we go around and around again.

most of the time...eventually - i win, but why the stinkin' battle in the first place?
what is the point?
why even go around and around about it.
JUST. let it GO! - crazy.

time spent battling your thoughts is time wasted.
completely wasted.
an internal battle that just puts little stab marks into your heart.
that aren't even necessary.
dumb.

what was, WAS.
what is, IS.
what will be, WILL BE.
so live.
love.
enjoy the moment.
...and take it as it comes.

GET out of your head.
best advice ever.
taking it to heart.
deep breath.
now.