Monday, November 8, 2010

sometimes. i am just plain confused.

WHO AM I, anyway? 
sometimes it is SO CLEAR.
other times it is as mysterious as the black hole.

life can be confusing.
people are confusing.
situations throw me off ALL THE TIME.
{THAT is an understatement, but a good thing - don't get me wrong} 

i really don't know if i want to admit how confused i get sometimes.
i am confident and confused.
is that possible? 
at this age, aren't we supposed to be fairly clear most of the time. 
those important things like: 
who means what....
where your heart is....
what you stand for?

today - it occurred to me - the answer is maybe not ALL the time.
clarity comes and goes.
that is a beautiful thing because it challenges us. 
you never know for certain, because all the restoration we do of our "selves" consistently has a trickle down effect.
it trickles to every single layer of your complex soul. 
sometimes, things we thought we could deal with, we can't deal with anymore - or we just refuse to.
sometimes, the belief that we held dear - goes through  transformation to fit an even stronger belief.  
sometimes, one moment, has the ability to alter your life, significantly
 sometimes, a necessary occurrence far beyond your understanding emerges and leaves you trying to pick up all the pieces.

sometimes is seems like a tragedy....
but really - i promise you - and i promise myself - it isn't.
 a NEW puzzle is necessary - a NEW picture is to be painted - far more beautiful than the one that currently is hanging on the walls of your heart. 
 in order for you to grow. 
 things happen. 

and will continue to happen.
forever and ever.

i read this today.
"....good is underneath every single thing that appears to be negative.  If we can know that good is all there is, including in a negative situation, then we will see a negative situation transform into all good.  Most people keep the good away from themselves because they label something as bad, and then of course, that become their reality.  But there is no bad in the Universe; it is just our inability to see things clearly from the bigger perspective.  Peace comes from knowing that good is all that exists."

THAT'S a thinker.
agree - disagree.
either way it has the power to make a person contemplate situations at hand. 
it is all good.

i have seen tragedy - heart wrenching - tear jerking - all out hysterical tragedy turn into amazing miracles. 
it just takes time.
and consistently knowing without a doubt that something greater than any of us is there. always.

my day just got a little less numb. 
i needed that.
sometimes writing it out is all it takes. 
i love life. 
it  really, really is a beautiful thing.

my hope for you.
beautiful distractions that lead you to questions and answers and then MORE questions.
it is the only way to live....
may heartfelt chaos be ALL yours.


Jenn Balcer said...

xoxo - love beautiful distractions, questions and answers and friends and chaos and you.

:Jayne said...

if you've never read "The Noticer" by Andy Andrews, you should. it's all about perspective and perception.
You have to believe something good comes out of everything. That's HOPE. without HOPE, we are nothing.
Hang in there.

Christi Snow said...


marilyn said...

You are amazing---love your thought process. You always put things in perspective and help me by doing so. Thank you!

Mandy said...

How does a complete stranger reach right into your heart and head, and help you rational things?

Today was a rough day for me, and reading your thoughts truly helped me organize my thoughts.

That is priceless.

thank you...

BonnieRose said...

Love this, writing things out helps me too... always has.. xo

Eva said...

My sweet Angela, please be GENTLE with yourself...don't judge your process so much...remember our Ippity stamp...You are right where you should be? That is all what we are are an AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL SOUL, and WE ALL LOVE YOU so much!!

Here is a quote that might help you that I found once again in the Conversations with God book. Hope it helps you a little bit.

"There’s nothing “wrong” with anything. “Wrong” is a relative term, indicating the opposite of that which you call “right.” Yet, what is “right”? Can you be truly objective in these matters? Or are “right” and “wrong” simply descriptions overlaid on events and circumstances by you, out of your decision about them?"

Much Love to you....Eva

Sarah said...

thank you for sharing...

i think many of these same things (it's nice to not feel alone)...and it's nice to hear it expressed. your thoughts are beautifully wrote....expressed... and quite thought provoking.

thank you :-)

Lisa H. said...

I love reading your messages...always so thought provoking. I think I am confident and confused a.lot. too!

Deb said...

Love this, Angela! I've heard it said that if the beauty is invisible, you're not "through" whatever it is YET. There is always deliverance! Light always overcomes the darkness...Yes! That's what I need to hear! Love, and peace, to you!

Brooke said...

{HUG} that's it. :)

Sally Lynn MacDonald said...

"heartfelt chaos". how perfect is that? Thank you for sharing your heart and journey with us.

Kim said...

Thank you........I thought I was the only person feeling this way.

Bambi said...

WOW1!!! You have a amazing take on life. Really wish I could feel it. I know everybody has ups and downs. It just seems like this down is lasting forever. After reading what you wrote I will try to be more postive. Thank you - I needed that.

Noelle Reese said...

WOW! I love the road your on and the way you see it! I've had some tragic things happen to me and so far there has always been something good to come with it. Even in the smallest forms of good. When I was is high school my BFF was killed by a drunk driver. I never drank and drove. It is REALLY damn hard to learn from REALLY awful things but I do belive there is some sort of lesson in every challenge we experience. Our newest challenge is our DD is a Little Person. Yesterday she failed getting in on the free pre-school program. They said she was smart enough to teach the class. She doesn't need that program. YIPPEE!!!! I love that smart baby of mine!

McCine said...

...couldn't have said it better myself. i think we all hit the "lost" speed bump every now and again.. and sometimes it's easier to hit the brakes and go slowly over it.. and other times it's better to hit the accelerator and catch a bit of air so you can just breathe. i get you. from full time workaholic to full time sahm.. most would be happy and feel lucky. i still struggle sometimes... because sometimes i forget to hit the "lost" speed bump like a steam roller. but, then i accomplish something, i make my ds laugh until he can't breathe, dh and i actually have a conversation w/out getting interrupted... and i remember my way again. thx for sharing with us, angela.

Mary Friederichsen said...


Actually your name should be Angel!
It is as if I am reading what I should be able to express for myself.
As women I think we hide so much of our feelings...these kind anyway. Afraid people in our lives think we are "hormonal"!! LOL
I am older and still have not found what I feel is clarity. So don't you give up! :)
So many emotions,....
I know that there is always light after the darkness. And as our other stamp says"I love the light for it shows me the way,yet i will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars!" I love that stamp!!!
Have Faith Angel....
Thru these diffuculties we grow, if we were never challenged we would stay the same, and once we stop changing,evolving and redifining ourselves we stop living!
Hugs and Blessings to you for strength and His Peace!

P.S your play list is so spot on and sings to my soul today!

Jen said...

You know, I could have written this post, from the last 4 years of my life. And I love every single thought you expressed. I know for sure that we only see a very small part of the big picture, the big plan for our lives - which is why we don't understand the things that happen sometimes. Many blessings!!

Amber Hight said...

Thanks for pointing me this direction Ang, I really needed it today. 11 years, 1 month, and 20 days. The length of time I served in the Air Force, and it ends today. Completely and utterly heartbreaking if you ask me. It wasn't by choice, I assure you. I am being medically discharged due to a broken knee and subsequent surgeries that leave me unable to perform to the level I need to be able to. It's a shame, isn't it? And I just can't stop crying today. But your post really sang to me and I'm able to look forward to a new chapter in my life. Thank you sweet lady, you are very special and I can't wait to meet you in person...

Lisa said...

I needed this today...