Thursday, December 8, 2011

...i feel a "quote" coming on.

so. at times i feel this...stir
way down deep
inside my soul.
God given? Sent by my Angels, perhaps?
- or maybe it is a whisper from those that i LOVE far beyond this world.
all of the above, maybe?

i like to think so. 

typically,  i let myself FEEL it and then just SAY it.
{i hesitate, but put it out there just the same}

it has been set upon my heart, for a reason.right?
tonight, that happened....... i really kind of love it when that happens.

so this is "the result"

"....the moment you feel someone should THINK like you THINK, BELIEVE what you BELIEVE, hold TRUE what you hold TRUE, is the moment you have lost your way....your path is for YOU to follow - and at the end is a great big gathering of HEARTS with their OWN story to tell." ♥ ♥ 

our OWN story.
yours. mine. theirs.
individually filled with unique minutes of our lives. experiences we each have....
 with our OWN clear perspective and understanding.
these moments paired with a spiritual presence i like to refer to as:

our truths - our "faith."

MY faith doesn't fit into a nice little box.
personally, i don't think it should.
it is everywhere & all over the place.

i never was one to be told what to do or believe.

I am consistently filled with beautiful questions, doubt, assurances, truths, security, and insecurity, love, life.
we all need to SEARCH for our OWN truth.
for a lifetime.

what stirs YOUR soul?

whatever it is.
let your heart -  find hope there.
find love there.
find peace.
isn't that what matters? know like you know that you are led...
by trust.


through this you will find your comfort.
pure and simple peace.
deep down.

feel it. 
it's yours.

so next time you are frustrated with the expectations of life, or people, or living.
just remember to hold on to YOUR truth.
your faith.
your peace.
your "you." 
own it.feel it.
whatever it is.
no expectations.
no requirements.

you have been blessed
from the heavens
with your heart.
individually and unique
no mistakes. perfect as is.
it is so beautiful.
so right.
no matter what anyone else thinks.

please, just  do the very best you can.

take comfort.
and know like you know that - 100% - 
you are loved. 
for everything you have been,
and will be.
no. matter. what.

faith, hope, love, my friends.
defined by your truth.

hold onto it loosely. cause it will twist and change, and grow....
but hold on just the same.

it sounds superficial, once said over and over again...
however in reality....

it is the most OFFICIAL thing you have.

it survives everything, even life itself.

xoxo, in faith.ang.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

can't sleep.

i can't sleep. 
my brain is racing with so many thoughts.
i keep running though my day, my life, my everything.
do you do that?
life's "expectations" get so overwhelming it seems as though just breathing is a task?
that is the moment i am in right now. 

i keep thinking about the what if's, the should be's, the could have's
....those thoughts that battle your inner peace.

specifically a few things are bugging me about ME today.

one being the fact i yelled at my kids.  
i NEVER yell.  ever.  today i did. 
for something SO TRIVIAL.
it was so dumb.

then....i got in the car - went to my social event - got out of the car and walked RIGHT by someone i knew, and should have had the courtesy to say hello to.
 i didn't.
{i was a snot like that today. ugh}
this chick {being me} -  was too caught up in processing the SHOUTING i had just done on the home front...i was all out of whack.
bobble headed. 
in a fog. 
as i whispered my confession of my WICKED MAMA MOMENT tale to one of my friends...
i was shot a "LOOK" from someone that surely took the whispering out of context.
i guess when you are in public whispering is taboo. 
quickly it is assumed as gossip. 
stupid me. 
forgot about that.

so these things linger in my brain.
...and yes...they will keep me up ALL night, as i combine them with every OTHER "mistake"/character flaw that i posses and have made in the last 100 years. 
please tell me you do that.

i have to beat it to a pulp....and analyze all the ripple effects ONE action makes....on lives....sometimes, thinking about that is so overwhelming.

why in the world do i care SO MUCH?
i need to just be one of those people that let's it ROLL off her back.
but no MATTER what...i can NEVER do that. i continue to bury my head into the pillow WISHING that i could disappear for perhaps just 24 hours....
i will say this.

the next time...someone yells, or walks by you, or whispers to her girlfriend...most likely it has nothing to do with you.
take it with a grain of salt.
and love them.

life is crazy.

i WISH we all had signs on our heads giving people updated information.
the kind that is REALLY none of their business, but if they KNEW they would see things so much more clearly.

today mine would have read.

this woman is not thinking straight. 
....her smile is fake.
not every day, but for today

she is out of character.
and simply isn't at her best.
don't be offended.
just smile back, pretty please.

some dear, sweet friends said to me today how tired they are of the statement 

it is what it is. 
they think we should say...

it is what it SHALL be.
what WE make it.
how we SEE it.
and go from there.

they are right.
and here i am making it more than what it REALLY is.
my kids still love me...the person i walked by probably didn't really care, and the misinterpreted whispering is just THAT...misinterpreted. ha!

so i shall make it letting go. letting God....
and going to sleep.
knowing that...

i need to be more legit with this smile of mine.
thank GOODNESS for a NEW DAY!

{well, really good morning...but whatever. :)}

Saturday, September 10, 2011


So excited to see what this day brings.
my DEEP DOWN happy has surfaced today!

YOU are the winner of the Stamp ABOVE
Grow your WINGS

Please EMAIL me at
I will get your stamp off ASAP! 

Enjoy your WEEKEND!
smiles & love!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

a shift back to happy....but deeper.

simple words. right?

you would think it would be a simple place to find in our lives. 
that place of "happiness".
i guess that depends...on so many different things.
so many.
it depends on our story.
our experiences.
our hurts and our joys.
and the distance between the two.

personally....just like you - 
i want to be happy. 
and every moment in between.
if given the choice, i would choose happy.
hands down - every single time. 
we all would.

all your "self help" people will tell you to do just that.
simply to "choose happiness".
your choice.  your decision.
i 50% agree with that philosophy.
i know the choice is ours.
i get that.
i love that.

typically - 
even if a big white stinkin' elephant is stepping right on my little toe - i smile.
why not, right?

however, i have found in simply CHOOSING happiness, in CHOOSING to paste that smile on your face, in CHOOSING to stitch your broken heart with 5 stitches when it requires 30 stitches - you are doing yourself an injustice.  
you can't fake happy.
'cause in the end...."happy" will start to ache, tear you apart, simply hurt.
happy will become just a word.

ya know?
why would we RUIN a perfectly good thing by being fake?
why fake happy? 

so...pretty much - 
i am over it.
this "JUST BE HAPPY" stuff. 
the truth is never all that easy when it comes to heart ache.
facing all the "ouch" - when all you want to do is forget- it hurts.
let's lay it on the line.
it would be easier walking away from all the pain.
it would be easier convincing yourself that you are strong, brave and "happy".

but sometimes...your "happy" is worth getting through, feeling and standing up for.

2 years ago. 

my heart began to shatter.
one "incident" after another.
months and months and MONTHS of "stuff" 

 scenarios. one after another
it broke, i am sure of it, i FELT it - this open heart of mine. 
into a million and one pieces.
i was wide open. trusting. stumbling. reaching out.
...yet -  just a little stupid, i guess. 
i won't go into detail.
after all the heartache. the smile remained...
...but "happy" simply hurt.
it wasn't real anymore.

as the hurt continues to heal - 
i wrote this to a friend - regarding what i have learned....
my heart goes out to ANYONE who is struggling with hurt so deep-yet they still put on a smile, because they "have to". i never imagined when i heard the word heartbreak that it would one day become so literal in MY OWN life. i FELT my heart break SO MUCH in the last two years for so many different reasons. 
-however i can say this, 
when i am HAPPY - i am HAPPY because it has to get
 by all the hurt first.
i guess my happiness is rooted "deeper" now.
a place way down inside and to reach that place, means it is simply felt on a much deeper level.

i wrote that email and i realized it was a blog post in the making.  
so you have pain....grow with it.
your heart has been broken once, or twice, or 3 million times. 
each time the hurt comes -  happiness WILL SINK a little deeper.
you can't prevent that.
eventually - happy lies UNDER all the heartache.
buries itself.
becomes a wee bit elusive.

eventually - it becomes a little harder to just "choose" happy.
but YOUR happiness is still there just the same.   ready to take the journey back to your reality.
be grateful for that.
because when "happy" surfaces it comes from within a place in your soul SO DEEP KNOW like you KNOW like you KNOW - it is real.
nothing worth having OR FEELING is easy.
so embrace the heart ache my lovely friends. 
heartache = heartFELT happy.
it doesn't come easy, and you wouldn't WANT it to anyway.
TRUE "happy" is not for the faint of heart.
it is for those that HAVE a heart - a heart that is willing to break in order to be stitched up that much stronger.

elusive as happy may be, know it IS there.
....and when you feel it...take a deep breath.
YOU have earned it.
no matter what.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

....wading out into the deep...WINGS OF HOPE Blog Post...

blogpost for WINGS OF HOPE - for more information about wings of HOPE go to

...wading out into the deep.

first thing on my mind this morning was this blog post. 

the questions at hand: 

What does WINGS OF HOPE mean to me.  
Why does my journey on this earth now include WINGS?
8 hours later, i am still pondering the content of my heart - and how deep i want to go with that answer. 

i keep having this visual...
me. oceanside. standing alone on the beach.
the breeze on my skin, the smell of the front of me is a breathtaking sight of blue. 
an ocean so beautiful. so vast. so deep. and so filled with unknown.
our souls are like this. 

with this blog post...
i can venture in. ankle deep and stay very comfortable.
or i can decide to journey into the depths of my ocean - taking that risk of becoming vulnerable.
i am weighing the value of both at this very moment. 
do i give you the surface stuff - or journey into the abyss of the "unknown"?


so many reasons.....

WINGS: Reason #1
2011 started with heartbreak. 
on so many different levels.
there was sweet, surprising, heartfelt moments - bringing in the new year...
friends.laughter. love. 
shortly followed by unexplainable heart ache and grief.
 tragic loss. 
 i stood by -feeling the energy of sadness fill the spaces of so many lives.
hearts of friends that i LOVE so very dearly - being ripped apart. 
hearts. broken.
pain everywhere.
i knew there would be an opportunity to help....i just didn't know what to do at that time. 
nobody did or ever does know what exactly they can do when they watch people they love go through this kind of pain.
you want to offer them peace. 
LOVE does that.
HOPE does that.
the time just has to be right.
so you just be. 
like you always have been.
and pray. 


WINGS: Reason #2

early 2011...
personal struggle sets in.
to my surprise.
i started falling apart. 
BAD TIMING, i know. 
but who chooses this kind of thing? 
... much of my pain -  i had been successfully covering up.
i had guarded my heart for SO LONG.... and it all emerged. 
  took me deep inside. 
to the base of my being.
there i was.
me facing me.
i didn't even know where it was coming from specifically.
a lot of places, i guess.
i won't bore you with the details...
there was...
 unexpected "explosion of emotion" 
  it started to become very apparent to me - my heart - needed some serious repair. 
i felt stuck.
consumed by lack of direction.
YOU know how it is. 
that surprising moment when your act is up.
you have set aside one heart ache after the other for so long -  and simply entered into survival mode.

you don't allow yourself FEEL the pain.
 FEEL the loss.
 FEEL the hurt.
FEEL the disappointment.
FEEL the changes.
you don't allow anything negative...cover it up...move on...
put on a smile.
you just don't let them see you sad.
because...if you did....
it could be uncomfortable.
we don't want any of that, do we? 
i kept telling myself it would all go away.  
shield of heart armor. 
applied to heart.
 out of necessity.


one TELLING moment  -  you look in the mirror and break. 
enough of the strength. enough positive. enough trying to forget.  enough trying to remember.  enough excuses. enough convincing everyone around you that you are alright. enough of the perfect.  enough of the "big girl panties". enough blaming yourself.  enough of ALL of it.
more tears. 
more sad.
more depression.
just holding on by a thread.
i wanted to escape.
i was consumed with feeling sad. 
couldn't shake it.

at this point: - i am waist deep in my ocean of comfort.
....just so you know

Wings: Reason #3
i became so consumed with grief. 
going through the motions.
life became numb.

i was traveling in darkness.
day by day.
wondering if i could bring myself out. 
thinking that this time perhaps, i could not.
i KNEW better.
 knowing that i SHOULD know better.... made me feel even more distant and elusive and "unreal"
- i was so sad. 
two choices.
crumble completely or ask for help {which i REALLY stink at doing}
i opened up.
 reached out for help. 
and INSTANTLY - without hesitation - i was surrounded with angels.
{aka: friends/family}
i felt hands reach into my self consumed darkness.
these angels reached outside their OWN pain and lifted me up.
giving me their wing of strength.
adding to my own strength that THEY knew i had. 
it took time, and work, and persistence ...
light emerged.
my single wilted wing started to spread out in strength.
HOPE was given back to me.
LIFE was once again becoming a place that i really wanted to be.
when the light emerges LOVE & HOPE is so apparent.
JUST those two things make EVERYTHING worthwhile.

HOWEVER...some people don't emerge....
....and as my hope returned....others in this lifetime lost their HOPE.
our community was struck with the loss of one beautiful soul after the other.

we watched our community loom in shock.
we watched our children cry.
we watched wounds re-open.

time to do something.
time to reach into someone else's darkness.
time to use my WING to help another  that is struggling - - just  as my angels {aka: friends/family} had helped me. 
i can help.
i KNOW the darkness.
here is the beautiful thing...
i KNOW the light.


 Why be part of WINGS OF HOPE?
 here is "ankle" ocean depth answer......
simply. because i can.


Saturday, January 15, 2011

it was my birthday....i've been thinking....

shallow post....of random thoughts.

been thinking a lot lately about age.
can't help it. 
just am.
being honest.
age is so stupid.
{i know my literary skills are stellar today}

why do we have to be "assigned" an age.
who was the guy with the bright idea?
i think we should get to DECIDE what age we want to be and stay there.
don't you?
time can keep going - it's a beautiful thing...
but "age" should stop.
hey...anythings possible right?
i would have never thought i would be a Sagittarius instead of a Capricorn either!

 what age would you be?

i think....i am pretty sure - i would pick MY age.
right here, right now.
{well ok, honestly, maybe i would pick 36 - i was much thinner. hee, hee}

here's my thoughts
i have just enough lines on my face to know i have had a million laughs.
i have just enough curve on my body to know i have given life.
i have just enough emotion in my heart to know i have lived deep.
and it has all meant so very much.

i have just enough.
i really feel that way.
so i think i will stay this age.
i officially have a story.
things worth sharing.
i love that.

the girl on the right - 20 years ago - is gone.
i seriously look at that picture and wonder who she was.
it is as if she was an illusion.

i wonder if i will feel that same way about "me" when i am 58 - 20 years from now?
most likely - i will.
which makes me very young right now.
{positive self talk}

seems like yesterday...yet it seems like an eternity ago.
like one minute you are 17  - and the next you are turning 38?

random thought - 
that means it has been 20 years since i had eyebrows ONE INCH thick, check those babies out! 



it is a mysterious thing.

all i know...
is if the next 20 years bless me the same way the first 20 have.
....i am one lucky chick.



time is beautiful.
i'll take it.

it's stupid.
and i will not be turning one year older ever again.

moving on.....