Sunday, October 9, 2011

can't sleep.

i can't sleep. 
my brain is racing with so many thoughts.
i keep running though my day, my life, my everything.
do you do that?
life's "expectations" get so overwhelming it seems as though just breathing is a task?
that is the moment i am in right now. 

i keep thinking about the what if's, the should be's, the could have's
....those thoughts that battle your inner peace.

specifically a few things are bugging me about ME today.

one being the fact i yelled at my kids.  
i NEVER yell.  ever.  today i did. 
for something SO TRIVIAL.
it was so dumb.

then....i got in the car - went to my social event - got out of the car and walked RIGHT by someone i knew, and should have had the courtesy to say hello to.
 i didn't.
{i was a snot like that today. ugh}
this chick {being me} -  was too caught up in processing the SHOUTING i had just done on the home front...i was all out of whack.
bobble headed. 
in a fog. 
as i whispered my confession of my WICKED MAMA MOMENT tale to one of my friends...
i was shot a "LOOK" from someone that surely took the whispering out of context.
i guess when you are in public whispering is taboo. 
quickly it is assumed as gossip. 
stupid me. 
forgot about that.

so these things linger in my brain.
...and yes...they will keep me up ALL night, as i combine them with every OTHER "mistake"/character flaw that i posses and have made in the last 100 years. 
please tell me you do that.

i have to beat it to a pulp....and analyze all the ripple effects ONE action makes....on lives....sometimes, thinking about that is so overwhelming.

why in the world do i care SO MUCH?
i need to just be one of those people that let's it ROLL off her back.
but no MATTER what...i can NEVER do that. i continue to bury my head into the pillow WISHING that i could disappear for perhaps just 24 hours....
i will say this.

the next time...someone yells, or walks by you, or whispers to her girlfriend...most likely it has nothing to do with you.
take it with a grain of salt.
and love them.

life is crazy.

i WISH we all had signs on our heads giving people updated information.
the kind that is REALLY none of their business, but if they KNEW they would see things so much more clearly.

today mine would have read.

this woman is not thinking straight. 
....her smile is fake.
not every day, but for today

she is out of character.
and simply isn't at her best.
don't be offended.
just smile back, pretty please.

some dear, sweet friends said to me today how tired they are of the statement 

it is what it is. 
they think we should say...

it is what it SHALL be.
what WE make it.
how we SEE it.
and go from there.

they are right.
and here i am making it more than what it REALLY is.
my kids still love me...the person i walked by probably didn't really care, and the misinterpreted whispering is just THAT...misinterpreted. ha!

so i shall make it letting go. letting God....
and going to sleep.
knowing that...

i need to be more legit with this smile of mine.
thank GOODNESS for a NEW DAY!

{well, really good morning...but whatever. :)}