first thing on my mind this morning was this blog post.
the questions at hand:
What does WINGS OF HOPE mean to me.
Why does my journey on this earth now include WINGS?
8 hours later, i am still pondering the content of my heart - and how deep i want to go with that answer.
i keep having this visual...
me. oceanside. standing alone on the beach.
the breeze on my skin, the smell of the air.....in front of me is a breathtaking sight of blue.
an ocean so beautiful. so vast. so deep. and so filled with unknown.
our souls are like this.
with this blog post...
i can venture in. ankle deep and stay very comfortable.
or i can decide to journey into the depths of my ocean - taking that risk of becoming vulnerable.
i am weighing the value of both at this very moment.
do i give you the surface stuff - or journey into the abyss of the "unknown"?
WINGS.
why?
so many reasons.....
WINGS: Reason #1
2011 started with heartbreak.
on so many different levels.
there was sweet, surprising, heartfelt moments - bringing in the new year...
friends.laughter. love.
happy.
shortly followed by unexplainable heart ache and grief.
tragic loss.
i stood by -feeling the energy of sadness fill the spaces of so many lives.
hearts of friends that i LOVE so very dearly - being ripped apart.
loss.
hearts. broken.
pain everywhere.
i knew there would be an opportunity to help....i just didn't know what to do at that time.
nobody did or ever does know what exactly they can do when they watch people they love go through this kind of pain.
you want to offer them peace.
LOVE does that.
HOPE does that.
the time just has to be right.
so you just be.
like you always have been.
and pray.
hard.
continued....
WINGS: Reason #2
early 2011...
personal struggle sets in.
to my surprise.
i started falling apart.
BAD TIMING, i know.
but who chooses this kind of thing?
... much of my pain - i had been successfully covering up.
i had guarded my heart for SO LONG.... and it all emerged.
took me deep inside.
to the base of my being.
there i was.
me facing me.
vulnerable.
feeling SO MUCH SADNESS.
i didn't even know where it was coming from specifically.
a lot of places, i guess.
i won't bore you with the details...
there was...
unexpected "explosion of emotion"
it started to become very apparent to me - my heart - needed some serious repair.
i felt stuck.
torn.
consumed by lack of direction.
lost.
numb.
YOU know how it is.
that surprising moment when your act is up.
you have set aside one heart ache after the other for so long - and simply entered into survival mode.
you don't allow yourself FEEL the pain.
FEEL the loss.
FEEL the hurt.
FEEL the disappointment.
FEEL the changes.
you don't allow anything negative...cover it up...move on...
put on a smile.
you just don't let them see you sad.
because...if you did....
it could be uncomfortable.
we don't want any of that, do we?
i kept telling myself it would all go away.
so
VOILA!
shield of heart armor.
applied to heart.
out of necessity.
THEN...
one TELLING moment - you look in the mirror and break.
enough of the strength. enough positive. enough trying to forget. enough trying to remember. enough excuses. enough convincing everyone around you that you are alright. enough of the perfect. enough of the "big girl panties". enough blaming yourself. enough of ALL of it.
ouch.
more tears.
more sad.
more depression.
just holding on by a thread.
i wanted to escape.
just.
be.
done.
i was consumed with feeling sad.
couldn't shake it.
--------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER:
at this point: - i am waist deep in my ocean of comfort.
....just so you know
--------------------------------------------
Wings: Reason #3
i became so consumed with grief.
going through the motions.
life became numb.
i was traveling in darkness.
day by day.
wondering if i could bring myself out.
thinking that this time perhaps, i could not.
i KNEW better.
knowing that i SHOULD know better.... made me feel even more distant and elusive and "unreal"
- i was so sad.
then....
two choices.
crumble completely or ask for help {which i REALLY stink at doing}
i opened up.
reached out for help.
and INSTANTLY - without hesitation - i was surrounded with angels.
{aka: friends/family}
i felt hands reach into my self consumed darkness.
these angels reached outside their OWN pain and lifted me up.
giving me their wing of strength.
adding to my own strength that THEY knew i had.
it took time, and work, and persistence ...
slowly...
light emerged.
my single wilted wing started to spread out in strength.
HOPE was given back to me.
LIFE was once again becoming a place that i really wanted to be.
when the light emerges LOVE & HOPE is so apparent.
JUST those two things make EVERYTHING worthwhile.
------------------------------
HOWEVER...some people don't emerge....
....and as my hope returned....others in this lifetime lost their HOPE.
our community was struck with the loss of one beautiful soul after the other.
we watched our community loom in shock.
we watched our children cry.
we watched wounds re-open.
time to do something.
time to reach into someone else's darkness.
time to use my WING to help another that is struggling - - just as my angels {aka: friends/family} had helped me.
HOPE. HEALING. LOVE.
necessary.
i can help.
i KNOW the darkness.
and
here is the beautiful thing...
i KNOW the light.
SO......
Why be part of WINGS OF HOPE?
here is "ankle" ocean depth answer......
simply. because i can.
xoxo,
angela
