Sunday, June 19, 2011

....wading out into the deep...WINGS OF HOPE Blog Post...

blogpost for WINGS OF HOPE - for more information about wings of HOPE go to

...wading out into the deep.

first thing on my mind this morning was this blog post. 

the questions at hand: 

What does WINGS OF HOPE mean to me.  
Why does my journey on this earth now include WINGS?
8 hours later, i am still pondering the content of my heart - and how deep i want to go with that answer. 

i keep having this visual...
me. oceanside. standing alone on the beach.
the breeze on my skin, the smell of the front of me is a breathtaking sight of blue. 
an ocean so beautiful. so vast. so deep. and so filled with unknown.
our souls are like this. 

with this blog post...
i can venture in. ankle deep and stay very comfortable.
or i can decide to journey into the depths of my ocean - taking that risk of becoming vulnerable.
i am weighing the value of both at this very moment. 
do i give you the surface stuff - or journey into the abyss of the "unknown"?


so many reasons.....

WINGS: Reason #1
2011 started with heartbreak. 
on so many different levels.
there was sweet, surprising, heartfelt moments - bringing in the new year...
friends.laughter. love. 
shortly followed by unexplainable heart ache and grief.
 tragic loss. 
 i stood by -feeling the energy of sadness fill the spaces of so many lives.
hearts of friends that i LOVE so very dearly - being ripped apart. 
hearts. broken.
pain everywhere.
i knew there would be an opportunity to help....i just didn't know what to do at that time. 
nobody did or ever does know what exactly they can do when they watch people they love go through this kind of pain.
you want to offer them peace. 
LOVE does that.
HOPE does that.
the time just has to be right.
so you just be. 
like you always have been.
and pray. 


WINGS: Reason #2

early 2011...
personal struggle sets in.
to my surprise.
i started falling apart. 
BAD TIMING, i know. 
but who chooses this kind of thing? 
... much of my pain -  i had been successfully covering up.
i had guarded my heart for SO LONG.... and it all emerged. 
  took me deep inside. 
to the base of my being.
there i was.
me facing me.
i didn't even know where it was coming from specifically.
a lot of places, i guess.
i won't bore you with the details...
there was...
 unexpected "explosion of emotion" 
  it started to become very apparent to me - my heart - needed some serious repair. 
i felt stuck.
consumed by lack of direction.
YOU know how it is. 
that surprising moment when your act is up.
you have set aside one heart ache after the other for so long -  and simply entered into survival mode.

you don't allow yourself FEEL the pain.
 FEEL the loss.
 FEEL the hurt.
FEEL the disappointment.
FEEL the changes.
you don't allow anything negative...cover it up...move on...
put on a smile.
you just don't let them see you sad.
because...if you did....
it could be uncomfortable.
we don't want any of that, do we? 
i kept telling myself it would all go away.  
shield of heart armor. 
applied to heart.
 out of necessity.


one TELLING moment  -  you look in the mirror and break. 
enough of the strength. enough positive. enough trying to forget.  enough trying to remember.  enough excuses. enough convincing everyone around you that you are alright. enough of the perfect.  enough of the "big girl panties". enough blaming yourself.  enough of ALL of it.
more tears. 
more sad.
more depression.
just holding on by a thread.
i wanted to escape.
i was consumed with feeling sad. 
couldn't shake it.

at this point: - i am waist deep in my ocean of comfort.
....just so you know

Wings: Reason #3
i became so consumed with grief. 
going through the motions.
life became numb.

i was traveling in darkness.
day by day.
wondering if i could bring myself out. 
thinking that this time perhaps, i could not.
i KNEW better.
 knowing that i SHOULD know better.... made me feel even more distant and elusive and "unreal"
- i was so sad. 
two choices.
crumble completely or ask for help {which i REALLY stink at doing}
i opened up.
 reached out for help. 
and INSTANTLY - without hesitation - i was surrounded with angels.
{aka: friends/family}
i felt hands reach into my self consumed darkness.
these angels reached outside their OWN pain and lifted me up.
giving me their wing of strength.
adding to my own strength that THEY knew i had. 
it took time, and work, and persistence ...
light emerged.
my single wilted wing started to spread out in strength.
HOPE was given back to me.
LIFE was once again becoming a place that i really wanted to be.
when the light emerges LOVE & HOPE is so apparent.
JUST those two things make EVERYTHING worthwhile.

HOWEVER...some people don't emerge....
....and as my hope returned....others in this lifetime lost their HOPE.
our community was struck with the loss of one beautiful soul after the other.

we watched our community loom in shock.
we watched our children cry.
we watched wounds re-open.

time to do something.
time to reach into someone else's darkness.
time to use my WING to help another  that is struggling - - just  as my angels {aka: friends/family} had helped me. 
i can help.
i KNOW the darkness.
here is the beautiful thing...
i KNOW the light.


 Why be part of WINGS OF HOPE?
 here is "ankle" ocean depth answer......
simply. because i can.



Toni K said...

Angela, you are so wonderful to share this. So many people think they are the only ones. You are telling everyone this feeling can happen to anyone, even someone who "has it all." Most of the time you think you are the only one, all alone, and no one else could possibly understand. And I'm so happy you reached out. So often people don't, and they suffer, and their families suffer, and their friends suffer. I have told someone close to me who is struggling right now, THEY deserve better. We all deserve to feel and be better, to be happy. They say it takes a village to raise a child. It also takes a village sometimes get us through the day. And there is no shame in saying, "I need some help here." Hugs to you!

jolande said...

you are so good in sharing your feelings....I like that so much and at the same time I wish that I could do that too. But that's you're verry strong site (and you have much more...)
Thanks for sharing this with me and all the others..I think the like it as much as I like it.
I so glad you cross my path..
Big hug Jolande

Mary Friederichsen said...

Beautiful Angela!
What an incrediable post!
Thank you for sharing with us. You put into words my own struggles that I can't espress. That I can't reach out yet and really explain it.
Anyway, I am so glad that there are people that you reached out to!I think you maybe the type that feels it easier to reach out and help someone else before you help yourself. Like taking another helping of something at the dinner table before your guests have had a 2nd! Be proud of yourself for reaching out.
I pray for your community as well as you. For the grief that you all have been going through. I can't imagine how that kind of loss is to deal with. My daughter has a mental illness,and I know what living with the fear of that is like,but to actually go through the loss must just be unbearable!
anyway, i will stop blabbing!
Thank you for the gift of you!

Many Blessings to you and your community,


Noelle Reese said...

WOW! You are amazing for going waist deep! I truly admire you! I'm reaching out my hand so you don't slip! :) I simply can't imagine the grief your town feels. I can't stand that children are hurting too. As adults I think we do everything in our power to keep kiddos from pain and when we can't it's really awful. REALLY awful. You my friend, and your town will remain in my prayers!

Jess B. said...

When you are being blessed the darkness is busy trying to steal, kill and destory. Always know that you are not alone and the Almighty will never leave your nor forsake you. I can relate to you in so many levels. You are VICTORIOUS Angela in all that you do. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts with us and know that your family is loved by many.