Thursday, September 8, 2011

a shift back to happy....but deeper.

simple words. right?

you would think it would be a simple place to find in our lives. 
that place of "happiness".
i guess that depends...on so many different things.
so many.
it depends on our story.
our experiences.
our hurts and our joys.
and the distance between the two.

personally....just like you - 
i want to be happy. 
and every moment in between.
if given the choice, i would choose happy.
hands down - every single time. 
we all would.

all your "self help" people will tell you to do just that.
simply to "choose happiness".
your choice.  your decision.
i 50% agree with that philosophy.
i know the choice is ours.
i get that.
i love that.

typically - 
even if a big white stinkin' elephant is stepping right on my little toe - i smile.
why not, right?

however, i have found in simply CHOOSING happiness, in CHOOSING to paste that smile on your face, in CHOOSING to stitch your broken heart with 5 stitches when it requires 30 stitches - you are doing yourself an injustice.  
you can't fake happy.
'cause in the end...."happy" will start to ache, tear you apart, simply hurt.
happy will become just a word.

ya know?
why would we RUIN a perfectly good thing by being fake?
why fake happy? 

so...pretty much - 
i am over it.
this "JUST BE HAPPY" stuff. 
the truth is never all that easy when it comes to heart ache.
facing all the "ouch" - when all you want to do is forget- it hurts.
let's lay it on the line.
it would be easier walking away from all the pain.
it would be easier convincing yourself that you are strong, brave and "happy".

but sometimes...your "happy" is worth getting through, feeling and standing up for.

2 years ago. 

my heart began to shatter.
one "incident" after another.
months and months and MONTHS of "stuff" 

 scenarios. one after another
it broke, i am sure of it, i FELT it - this open heart of mine. 
into a million and one pieces.
i was wide open. trusting. stumbling. reaching out.
...yet -  just a little stupid, i guess. 
i won't go into detail.
after all the heartache. the smile remained...
...but "happy" simply hurt.
it wasn't real anymore.

as the hurt continues to heal - 
i wrote this to a friend - regarding what i have learned....
my heart goes out to ANYONE who is struggling with hurt so deep-yet they still put on a smile, because they "have to". i never imagined when i heard the word heartbreak that it would one day become so literal in MY OWN life. i FELT my heart break SO MUCH in the last two years for so many different reasons. 
-however i can say this, 
when i am HAPPY - i am HAPPY because it has to get
 by all the hurt first.
i guess my happiness is rooted "deeper" now.
a place way down inside and to reach that place, means it is simply felt on a much deeper level.

i wrote that email and i realized it was a blog post in the making.  
so you have pain....grow with it.
your heart has been broken once, or twice, or 3 million times. 
each time the hurt comes -  happiness WILL SINK a little deeper.
you can't prevent that.
eventually - happy lies UNDER all the heartache.
buries itself.
becomes a wee bit elusive.

eventually - it becomes a little harder to just "choose" happy.
but YOUR happiness is still there just the same.   ready to take the journey back to your reality.
be grateful for that.
because when "happy" surfaces it comes from within a place in your soul SO DEEP KNOW like you KNOW like you KNOW - it is real.
nothing worth having OR FEELING is easy.
so embrace the heart ache my lovely friends. 
heartache = heartFELT happy.
it doesn't come easy, and you wouldn't WANT it to anyway.
TRUE "happy" is not for the faint of heart.
it is for those that HAVE a heart - a heart that is willing to break in order to be stitched up that much stronger.

elusive as happy may be, know it IS there.
....and when you feel it...take a deep breath.
YOU have earned it.
no matter what.


Laura /sandytoz said...

Beautiful thoughts... thanks for sharing that with me tonight.

Christine said...

Beautiful words Angela. So true!

Leah said...

Oh, dear......I 1000% agree!!! I thought I was the only person that felt that way. I've tried to explain this to my 'just be happy' husband.....he doesn't get it. He is happy all the time. But he ignores a lot of feelings, too...he's a man.....I am pretty sure it's in their brain or DNA or something. Thanks, Angela.....beautiful, just like you. :) I wish you MUCH happiness, dear.

Jenny said...

So very true!! I totally agree! And feel allot like you! It really hurts to be betrayed. Boy do I know that feeling, had that happen to me this summer :\ Im a really giving person and have a big heart and some people take advantage of that. It's really sad. You deserve all the happiness too, always tell yourself that!! :) :) :) ♥ xx

Julia O Boo said...

Oh I have so been there, done that. Spent so many years trying to fake the happy myself. Then hit a final straw and this camels back broke and broke hard. But you are soooo right that when you finally get past the hurt and the real happy surfaces, it is amazing!

Thanks for sharing this. It helps remind me of my journey to this wonderful happiness I have finally found.

Tammy said...

Love this...Thank you for posting it :)

Christi Snow said...

Love you girly! Beautiful post. smiles...

Anonymous said...

Thank for sharing these thoughts! SO true!You are a beautiful person inside and out!! Enjoy your Friday! Hope it's a HAPPY day!!


Bonita Rose said...

Angela, beautiful post... just like you.
Thks for sharing this..
you hit it.. you really did.
I hv had much heartbreak in my life.. much. I just tell myself that one day... the happiness will shine brighter than it ever did before.
xo love you.

Darci said...

Thank you so much for posting this! I too am suffering a hurt that I have never experienced in my life. I go to bed every night begging to be taken in my sleep and I cry every morning when I wake up because I am still here. If one more person tells me to "choose happiness" or try "positive thinking", I will explode! There is too much hurt and heartahce for any other emotion to be felt.I truly want to be happy, I just can't get there yet and I don't know if I ever will. I don't even recognize the person I am today. Thank you for being honest! You truly are an amazing person!

Jenn Balcer said...


A dear friend once told me that eventually I wouldn't be able to keep living the way I was living (faking happy) and would have to make changes. He was right. Oh, so right.

I've been heartbroken. And still feel twinges through the happy, but it's just that - a twinge, not something that can knock me to my knees again. The happy is real now, and it feels sososo good.

I love your heart, Angela. I love you.

*Alison* said...

WOW... this is beautiful.. I totally agree.. :) Thank you so much for the inspiring words of hope and happiness.. I didn't know you had a personal blog.. :) how fun! I am now a follower.. I can't wait to see more from you.. hugs

Tifany said...

I totally agree that you can't fake happy...even though I've tried for SO many years.
Thanks for sharing!


PS - I'm a new follower!

Kim said...

You are so right!! Sometimes it's easier to dwell on our heartache rather then choose Happy and rise above the pain! I believe we all go through our stuff so that we can learn from our mishaps, mistakes and sorrows so that we can stand tall at the other side and say "Thank you God for getting me through that and helping me to learn an important life lesson!"

arlsmom aka Lynda said...

Love this the the chance to win!!! Thank you!

Lori said...

This couldn't have been any more perfectly said and at such a perfect time in my life to hear. I'm sorry for your heartbreak as I'm right there with you, but I believe 100% we will be the better for it.

NoraAnne said...

Beautiful post, Angela! i love when you feel inspired to write "one of these posts"...they always touch me so deeply and make me take a really close look at myself and how I am living each day. Thank you for your honesty and insight :) :) :)
Hugs and Happy Weekend to you!

Jen said...

Great insight Angela and you speak from your heart fantastically! I also believe that sometimes you can make changes for a path towards happiness, which is why I choose to take steps towards 'my happy'! Though they may be small steps and sometimes you have to heal, I look forward to each phase and certainly cherish any 'happy moments' along the way!
{{{{hugs}}}} Jen

Tameko said...

Your honesty is so real. I have learned the difference between happiness and joy. I choose joy, because I believe it comes from the only ONE above!

Renee VanEpps said...

Wonderful post, I love these personal posts of yours - so cool to find out you have your own blog! And everything you say rings so true, especially this: " and the distance between the two."...I totally agree. For me, hurt just takes time to heal, I forgive & forget easily as long as there's enough time in between the hurt(s). Have a wonderful day

JenMarie said...

Beautifully written!

Andrea said...

first- can't be a new follower cause you know I have been beside you since the beginning.

This post is so true and so real. I can't pretend anymore either. I ended up staying home almost all the time as my energy to 'fake happy' took so much out of me I just stayed in and hid. Now I have to accept it and the hurt and move forward. It's just so hard with this heart of mine- I am so quick to forgive and forget and go back for more. I can't help it- I want to believe they won't hurt me again. Oh well. But for all the love that I's still worth it to have such an open heart. xoxo

Rea said...

I really understand what you are saying in your post, I have learned alot of this in my life, I heard a pastor say one time that there is a difference between, happiness and joy. Happiness is fleeting, depending on what's going on in our lives. True joy stays there, because of the Lord being in our lives. I really loved that. I don't look for constant happiness all the time, I want joy. I am a new follower, and just want you to know how much I love Unity Stamps. Hugs P.S. I would love it if you followed my blog too.

SHartl said...

Very insightful post and so very true. Life is for living, which means all the hurts as well as the joy. If life were all happiness, then we wouldn't even recognize "happy" because there is nothing to compare it to. Moving through the pain and emerging on the other side is the only road to happiness. Otherwise, we are just fooling ourselves!
I've been reading your blog, but just joined as a follower. Keep it up!

Karen L said...

Thanks for taking us all off the hook by pointing out that happiness is not one of those things that you just make happen. Sure, positive thinking and a good attitude are worth a lot, but sometimes life just sucks...and we need to wallow a bit. I believe that no one can be really happy until they have allowed themselves to feel all the bad stuff as well. Sadness and heartbreak aren't the end, it's just part of the whole. Hoping you feel whole again soon!
Following your blog and looking forward to browsing the rest of your posts

Squirlygirl said...

Angela, I just found your personal blog tonight in my bloggy land wanderings and I am so excited about it. The things you share are always so inspirational and truly make you think about all of those things that so many of us just bury. Thank you for being honest and brave enough to bare your sole to all of us :)

artfuljourneys said...

I so love your posts. So true and honest. have followed you for about a year and now follow Wings of Hope. I have Passed you on countless times. In your post "Heart on Sleeve'; I felt like someone understood me. Thanks so much for your heartfelt words.

Sherry Ernspiker said...

Hi Angela! I just wanted to say I love your stamps and your style. I am so happy you now have a personal blog! Sherry

Kara said...

I skimmed. I will go back. I wonder how it will all end. The point when whatever that emptiness that we feel will finally END....and we can look right in front of us and the edges of our lips will turn up and we will be content. Surrounded by a million happy people, a room full of love, family, friends, good things....and still that feeling. I get you. You get me....that is the part that makes me feel like's it ok and I'm not alone in my quest. JUST like YOU. =) whoops was that a fake smiley ? xoxo

Jess-The Whimsical Butterfly said...

Your friend is ONE lucky girl :) <3