Sunday, October 9, 2011

can't sleep.

i can't sleep. 
my brain is racing with so many thoughts.
i keep running though my day, my life, my everything.
do you do that?
life's "expectations" get so overwhelming it seems as though just breathing is a task?
that is the moment i am in right now. 

i keep thinking about the what if's, the should be's, the could have's
....those thoughts that battle your inner peace.

specifically a few things are bugging me about ME today.

one being the fact i yelled at my kids.  
i NEVER yell.  ever.  today i did. 
for something SO TRIVIAL.
it was so dumb.

then....i got in the car - went to my social event - got out of the car and walked RIGHT by someone i knew, and should have had the courtesy to say hello to.
 i didn't.
{i was a snot like that today. ugh}
this chick {being me} -  was too caught up in processing the SHOUTING i had just done on the home front...i was all out of whack.
bobble headed. 
in a fog. 
as i whispered my confession of my WICKED MAMA MOMENT tale to one of my friends...
i was shot a "LOOK" from someone that surely took the whispering out of context.
i guess when you are in public whispering is taboo. 
quickly it is assumed as gossip. 
stupid me. 
forgot about that.

so these things linger in my brain.
...and yes...they will keep me up ALL night, as i combine them with every OTHER "mistake"/character flaw that i posses and have made in the last 100 years. 
please tell me you do that.

i have to beat it to a pulp....and analyze all the ripple effects ONE action makes....on lives....sometimes, thinking about that is so overwhelming.

why in the world do i care SO MUCH?
i need to just be one of those people that let's it ROLL off her back.
but no MATTER what...i can NEVER do that. i continue to bury my head into the pillow WISHING that i could disappear for perhaps just 24 hours....
i will say this.

the next time...someone yells, or walks by you, or whispers to her girlfriend...most likely it has nothing to do with you.
take it with a grain of salt.
and love them.

life is crazy.

i WISH we all had signs on our heads giving people updated information.
the kind that is REALLY none of their business, but if they KNEW they would see things so much more clearly.

today mine would have read.

this woman is not thinking straight. 
....her smile is fake.
not every day, but for today

she is out of character.
and simply isn't at her best.
don't be offended.
just smile back, pretty please.

some dear, sweet friends said to me today how tired they are of the statement 

it is what it is. 
they think we should say...

it is what it SHALL be.
what WE make it.
how we SEE it.
and go from there.

they are right.
and here i am making it more than what it REALLY is.
my kids still love me...the person i walked by probably didn't really care, and the misinterpreted whispering is just THAT...misinterpreted. ha!

so i shall make it letting go. letting God....
and going to sleep.
knowing that...

i need to be more legit with this smile of mine.
thank GOODNESS for a NEW DAY!

{well, really good morning...but whatever. :)}


Shemaine Smith said...

We try so hard not to fail but we do fail. It's the failures that we learn the most from. I hate to fail but realize failing makes me better. failure teaches me to BE better. And from this day that's keeping you awake you will be better too! I too let some stuff out on my blog tonight as well. I swear sometimes putting it out there saves me from spinning my wheels only to get no where. Love you!

cgargus said...

You know, just goes to show we're all human. As humans, we aren't perfect. There was only one of those. I had that kind of week last week. Then you go to bed, those thoughts just keep going, and going... Just forgive yourself for not being perfect and go on. Tomorrow will be a better day! Thanks for the inspiration!

Angie Blom said...

You are not alone in this one Ang, we all do it as parents, friends.. it is human nature. When that moment comes and you are yelling at your kids.. don't beat yourself up.. there is a reason we do this..even if it is just a moment that is so out of your character. Talk to then, don't keep them out of the loop of why it happened, let them understand why you did it.. and they will understand where your head was at that moment. This is what I do with my kids.. we have a good hug after and get on with life. I find it is better to talk to our kids about these things and to know now matter what they are loved before, during and after the yelling. I sleep much better having them understand that sometimes to get a point across you have to yell it out loud for them to hear it. .. As for the other people they will forget.. and it is none of their business.. if they really know you it will just brush off. Give those babies a hug.. have a wonderful day.. we are all in this together. xx

Noelle Reese said...

BIG HUGS to you my friend! I also behaved poorly yesterday. I shouted at Bryan in front of the kids for slamming on the breaks at a red light because he was too busy with his phone. I didn't apologize either. I need to do that today and I will. Not for being glued to his phone but for treating him badly in front of the girls. That was wrong. You are better than me though Girly! I slept just fine. :)

Anonymous said...

I have days like this...ones where you wish you could do some many things over or at least quit worrying about it. BUT what I have come to embrace is that these moments are BIG lessons. Chances for me to RECOGNIZE what I need to do different next time, a chance to forgive myself for my imperfections, a chance to practice letting things that I can't change go and a chance to reach out to others who might have the same battles. For some reason there are days were are in need of a lesson and not being able to sleep because you are learning only means you are growing and turning into to a better version of you...nothing wrong with that. So drink some coffee and embrace the new you TODAY!!! LOVE YOU!!!

Mary Friederichsen said...

I have been there so many times Angela. The regret of the day,hoping things were not taken wrong, saying something that you later regret. A flash of anger and you are not sure why. I fret about things till they make me sick! But as others say this is what makes us human, and then hopefully we are given the gift of another day to make things right. I have also learned I fret about nothing especially when I call that person a friend! We tend to forgive each other better than we forgive ourselves!
I guess if we weren't trying to be better people,trying to be kind,then these things would not beother us. So I guess they fact that we worry may be a good thing! ;)

Patricia said...

Are you alone in feeling this way? NOPE! I have had many a sleepless night trying to process the points where I went wrong during my day and what I said wrong and what if I did this or that instead. Letting myself get sick with worry because my actions were not perfect or my house is not perfect. And "What would people think if they walked into my house when it is at it's worst?" I have two boys (9 and 3) and my DH and I work opposite shift full time you can just imagine what it looks like most of the time! LOL! Then I realized that I don't notice the mess that other people their homes and their perhaps others don't notice mine either!

So, your kids will get past your yelling...they love you and know that you are an awesome mom. The other two really doesn't matter. They had probably forgotten about it before you were up all night!

Emily said...

it's nice to know that I'm not the only one like this....I know that we all have a ton to be thankful for and I just tell myself I wouldn't be the person/nurse/mother I am if I just let everything roll off of my shoulders, someone has to take care of things/people, and I wish others would, I am glad that you are the person you are and everyone is lucky to have you in their life!!! Take a deep breath and keep truckin, that's what I do...I love the new Unity set I must get that so I can make cards for our oncology patients!!!! Thanks for being YOU!!!!

PB Libby said...

You're not alone! I have days like this too: Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that? I should have done this or that. Why did I say that? .....

And it goes on and on..... continually beating myself up. This is my lack of self confidence taking hold of me.

This is very stressful on the body. It's a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.... but we have to start somewhere, a little at a time.

I have had many nights where I am wide awake, exhaustion is the only reason I close my eyes for a few minutes, only to be wide awake again.... my mind racing through all the events of yesterday, today, last week.... and even trying to plan out the next day... what I will do, or say or what I should do or say!

Hang in there. There are more people like this than you think.

Having someone--anyone to talk to, makes is somewhat better.

And, yes, tomorrow is a new day!


Kara said...

so funny sometimes I think we share the same life across the country. see girl. you are NOT alone. im up tonight for the same reasons...wondering why I over think and over process the most stupid shit. not sure where you found that blinkie up there...but it's pretty funny. one small thought, if we could just put the ash out instead of putting more wood on....and then watch the raging fire trying to figure did it get so hot? is funny. love you, Auntie AZ

Joy said...

Thank you :)

Julie said...

Just what I needed to know that I am not the only one that keeps failing the ones around me... Today was my day to not be in my right mind...I had to take my 16 year old daughter to a Cardiologist today....Thank God, it was just a check up, they found something but it is minor and not life threatening or anything....I guess a little forgiveness is all I ask with the stress that this brings. Thanks for posting this....