....wading out into the deep...WINGS OF HOPE Blog Post...

blogpost for WINGS OF HOPE - for more information about wings of HOPE go to www.yourwingsofhope.blogspot.com

...wading out into the deep.

first thing on my mind this morning was this blog post. 

the questions at hand: 

What does WINGS OF HOPE mean to me.  

Why does my journey on this earth now include WINGS?

8 hours later, i am still pondering the content of my heart - and how deep i want to go with that answer. 

i keep having this visual...

me. oceanside. standing alone on the beach.

the breeze on my skin, the smell of the air.....in front of me is a breathtaking sight of blue. 

an ocean so beautiful. so vast. so deep. and so filled with unknown.

our souls are like this. 

with this blog post...

i can venture in. ankle deep and stay very comfortable.

or i can decide to journey into the depths of my ocean - taking that risk of becoming vulnerable.

i am weighing the value of both at this very moment. 

do i give you the surface stuff - or journey into the abyss of the "unknown"?

WINGS.

why?

so many reasons.....

WINGS: Reason #1

2011 started with heartbreak. 

on so many different levels.

there was sweet, surprising, heartfelt moments - bringing in the new year...

friends.laughter. love. 

happy.

shortly followed by unexplainable heart ache and grief.

 tragic loss. 

 i stood by -feeling the energy of sadness fill the spaces of so many lives.

hearts of friends that i LOVE so very dearly - being ripped apart. 

loss.  

hearts. broken.

pain everywhere.

i knew there would be an opportunity to help....i just didn't know what to do at that time. 

nobody did or ever does know what exactly they can do when they watch people they love go through this kind of pain.

you want to offer them peace. 

LOVE does that.

HOPE does that.

the time just has to be right.

so you just be. 

like you always have been.

and pray. 

hard.

continued.... 

WINGS: Reason #2

early 2011...
personal struggle sets in.

to my surprise.

i started falling apart. 

BAD TIMING, i know. 

but who chooses this kind of thing? 

... much of my pain -  i had been successfully covering up.

i had guarded my heart for SO LONG.... and it all emerged. 

  took me deep inside. 

to the base of my being.

there i was.

me facing me.

vulnerable.

feeling SO MUCH SADNESS. 

i didn't even know where it was coming from specifically.
a lot of places, i guess.

i won't bore you with the details...

there was...

 unexpected "explosion of emotion" 

  it started to become very apparent to me - my heart - needed some serious repair. 

i felt stuck.

torn. 

consumed by lack of direction.

lost.

numb.

YOU know how it is. 

that surprising moment when your act is up.

you have set aside one heart ache after the other for so long -  and simply entered into survival mode.

you don't allow yourself FEEL the pain.

 FEEL the loss.

 FEEL the hurt.

FEEL the disappointment.

FEEL the changes.

you don't allow anything negative...cover it up...move on...

put on a smile.

you just don't let them see you sad.

because...if you did....

it could be uncomfortable.

we don't want any of that, do we? 
i kept telling myself it would all go away.  

so 

VOILA!

shield of heart armor. 

applied to heart.

 out of necessity.

THEN...

one TELLING moment  -  you look in the mirror and break. 

enough of the strength. enough positive. enough trying to forget.  enough trying to remember.  enough excuses. enough convincing everyone around you that you are alright. enough of the perfect.  enough of the "big girl panties". enough blaming yourself.  enough of ALL of it.

ouch.

more tears. 

more sad.

more depression.

just holding on by a thread.

i wanted to escape.

just.

be.

 done.

i was consumed with feeling sad. 

couldn't shake it.

--------------------------------------------

DISCLAIMER:

at this point: - i am waist deep in my ocean of comfort.

....just so you know

--------------------------------------------

Wings: Reason #3

i became so consumed with grief. 

going through the motions.

life became numb.

i was traveling in darkness.

day by day.

wondering if i could bring myself out. 

thinking that this time perhaps, i could not.

i KNEW better.
 knowing that i SHOULD know better.... made me feel even more distant and elusive and "unreal"
- i was so sad. 

then....
two choices.
crumble completely or ask for help {which i REALLY stink at doing}

i opened up.

 reached out for help. 

and INSTANTLY - without hesitation - i was surrounded with angels.

{aka: friends/family}

i felt hands reach into my self consumed darkness.

these angels reached outside their OWN pain and lifted me up.

giving me their wing of strength.

adding to my own strength that THEY knew i had. 

it took time, and work, and persistence ...

slowly...

light emerged.

my single wilted wing started to spread out in strength.

HOPE was given back to me.

LIFE was once again becoming a place that i really wanted to be.

when the light emerges LOVE & HOPE is so apparent.

JUST those two things make EVERYTHING worthwhile.

------------------------------

HOWEVER...some people don't emerge....

....and as my hope returned....others in this lifetime lost their HOPE.

our community was struck with the loss of one beautiful soul after the other.

we watched our community loom in shock.

we watched our children cry.

we watched wounds re-open.

time to do something.

time to reach into someone else's darkness.

time to use my WING to help another  that is struggling - - just  as my angels {aka: friends/family} had helped me. 

HOPE. HEALING. LOVE.

necessary.

i can help.

i KNOW the darkness.

and

here is the beautiful thing...

i KNOW the light.

SO......

 Why be part of WINGS OF HOPE?

 here is "ankle" ocean depth answer......

simply. because i can.

xoxo,

angela

it was my birthday....i've been thinking....

shallow post....of random thoughts.

been thinking a lot lately about age.

can't help it. 

just am.

being honest.

age is so stupid.

{i know my literary skills are stellar today}

why do we have to be "assigned" an age.

who was the guy with the bright idea?

:)

i think we should get to DECIDE what age we want to be and stay there.

don't you?

time can keep going - it's a beautiful thing...

but "age" should stop.

hey...anythings possible right?

i would have never thought i would be a Sagittarius instead of a Capricorn either!

 what age would you be?

honestly.

i think....i am pretty sure - i would pick MY age.

38.

right here, right now.

{well ok, honestly, maybe i would pick 36 - i was much thinner. hee, hee}

here's my thoughts

i have just enough lines on my face to know i have had a million laughs.

i have just enough curve on my body to know i have given life.

i have just enough emotion in my heart to know i have lived deep.

and it has all meant so very much.

i have just enough.

i really feel that way.

so i think i will stay this age.

i officially have a story.

things worth sharing.

i love that.

the girl on the right - 20 years ago - is gone.

i seriously look at that picture and wonder who she was.

it is as if she was an illusion.

i wonder if i will feel that same way about "me" when i am 58 - 20 years from now?

most likely - i will.

which makes me very young right now.

{positive self talk}

seems like yesterday...yet it seems like an eternity ago.

like one minute you are 17  - and the next you are turning 38?

random thought - 

that means it has been 20 years since i had eyebrows ONE INCH thick, check those babies out! 

ha!

life.

flies.

by.

life 

stands. 

still.

it is a mysterious thing.

all i know...

is if the next 20 years bless me the same way the first 20 have.

....i am one lucky chick.

{1992}

{2010}

conclusion:

time is beautiful.

i'll take it.

100%

"age."

it's stupid.

and i will not be turning one year older ever again.

moving on.....

heart. on. sleeve.

heart. on. sleeve.

no matter what. 

do you know people who wear pretty clothes like this?

i do.

it is a rare beauty.

women who ARE who they ARE.

and "heart. on. sleeve." CONFIDENT about it.

they share, confide and trust

not only for the growth of themselves but in an effort to learn from one another.
help each other.

i have consistent women in my life, just like this -  who amaze me.
lovely, stunning, amazing and loyal.
...from head to SOUL.....

with sweet little hearts on their sleeves....

  together we can be..

confused. 

 determined.

 irritated. 

joyous.
mixed up.

sad. 

loving. 

overwhelmed. 

desperate.

sassy.
imperfect. 

silly.

secure.
messy.

vulnerable.

intrigued.

lost.

found.

... AND SHOW ALL OF IT, and more ...

anytime. all the time.

THAT is true beauty in "heart. on. sleeve." friendship.

women who know EVERYTHING about you and love you just the same.

women that never need to forgive...

because they never hold on to anything long enough to even matter.

women who know for certain that life gets messy for EVERYONE, and JUDGEMENT is not an option.
 ever. 

no matter what.

 ...don't  you EVER mistake "heart. on. sleeve"  as weakness, or insecurity, or fake.

it just is what it is...out there.  

period.  

no apologies.
but remember
just because you are who you are...

rest assured.
 you will need to be tough, sweet girl.

i have learned...from time to time...  

you will be judged

people will assume you weak
fake
insecure
they will go away

wondering why you were SO "heart.on.sleeve" with them.

they will think you are permanently confused, and lost
they are mistaken.
...because really YOU are brilliantly transparent and clear.

just open.

it will hurt. a lot.

{try to get over it, quickly}

 please - please remember.

they are wrong.
 it is COMPLETELY

100% their loss. 

cause "heart. on. sleeve." -  is as real as it gets...  just sayin'. 

so...

just keep putting that pretty heart upon your sleeve and KNOW without a doubt.

you are you.

and THAT is all that matters.

sometimes....

sometimes....

i wish i could be everything that everyone expects me to be.
i wish i could be what I EXPECT me to be.
i wish i could run away.
i wish i could stay right where i am.
i wish i had made different choices.
i wish i knew exactly who i am.
i wish i hadn't said what i said.
i wish i was prettier.
i wish i was younger. {not really, ok - i take that one back...HA!}
i wish i was smarter.
i wish i could give more.
i wish i could love more.
i wish i could think more deeply.
i wish i could be light hearted.
i wish i was skinnier.
i wish i was more spiritual.
i wish i was older.
i wish i had what she has.
i wish i hadn't opened my heart.
i wish i could start over.
i wish i was stronger.
i wish i could escape.
i wish i didn't feel those feelings.
i wish i didn't wish for a thing more than i actually have.
i wish.......so many things.
...and often so opposite of one another.
it's so complicated - when i know it COULD be so simple.

but guess what.

all the time....i know.....way deep down....that we are growing.....always have been....always will be.
our wishes...make that happen.
all the time....we know.....way deep down....we do our best....even if it doesn't seem so at the time.


i know.  like i know. like i know - everything will be perfect.  no matter what.  no. matter. what.

it is just how it is.

faith.
hope.
love.

live by it.

always.

every stumble.  every tear.  every fear. every moment.  perfection......in its own perfect way.

so my wish for YOU.....faith. hope. love.  so that all YOUR wishes come true....just like mine will.
AND a not so perfect life that is JUST PERFECT.

the heart wants what it wants....

"the heart wants what it wants" 

lisa hetrick one of my brilliant artists turned this sentiment in to me. 

thank.you. lisa.

the heart wants what it wants.

think about it.

i wish i would have used this in a conversation i had this weekend with a friend.

but. nope.....

instead of just summing it up in a short sweet sentence, 

i went on and on and on about a million things.

trying to explain.  trying to express....trying to understand...and tearing the situation apart with "reasoning"

when really - there is no "reason" ...just  feeling.

sometimes it is just in your heart. 

hearts feel. they don't reason.

the heart wants what it wants.

right, wrong or otherwise. 

it happens. 

your heart is where your passion starts.

with a feeling. listen to it. 

right away - cause no matter what...

your heart wins.

you can fight it.

shut it down.

shut it out,

ignore.

 but if it is deep inside your heart.

it will remain.

no. matter. what.

so next time.

as you you try to explain your feelings, your situation, your dreams, your actions....

remember this sentiment.

the heart wants what it wants.

and for that you don't have to make any excuses.

no regrets.

it is what it is.....

and there is a purpose for it.

and really....in the end....after all is said and done....

you can't change it anyway.

you wouldn't want to.

so go with it.

live it.

feel it.

and know that....

following your heart will always bring you to exactly where you are meant to be.

and again i can say...

THAT is a beautiful thing.

don't you think?

i hesitate.

i have to admit.

sometimes.

i hesitate.

i hover my little arrow over the "publish" button.

for a long time. 

wondering if i should be so transparent.
do i let my heart fly free?

"being judged" is a little bit of a pet peeve of mine.

i have to be honest!

so knowing...

in one second you are taking absolutely everything you are feeling and just throwing it out there to those that are amazing, fabulous & sweet right along with the vultures, the judgers, the "first lifers" {hee, hee, -sorry} ....it's unsettling at times!

it is all really great when it is a pretty picture you are painting.

and i CAN paint pretty pictures with words :) 

any.single. time. i want to.

but.

when it is not so pretty.

typically, i close my eyes.

toss up a prayer...

..and hope - with all my heart that what i am feeling makes a difference in ONE persons life.

just ONE.

that is all.

 one of my favorite quotes. 

{right stacy}

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to 

another:

"What! You too? I thought I was the only one." 

— C.S. Lewis

this morning.

i woke up to emails.

SO MANY EMAILS.

sweet friends. new & existing.

my "what! you TOO" friends.

i love those kind.

women with empathy.

the ones who have lived and experienced so much that they want to take the time to feel what others feel.

the ones who are mature enough to not have to always have to paint a pretty picture.

the learners. 

the survivors. 

free of judgement.

the women that have endured.

time and time again.

the ones that really "get" it.

i am inspired by you.

my eternal gratitude.

for ALL the emails.

sharing your story - knowing i happen to have one of my own & trusting me with yours.

i love people with a story.

happy, sad and everything in between. 

{gives me the chills}

THAT is living.

knowing....

YOU ARE RIGHT where you SHOULD BE. 

feeling it, sharing it, knowing with your entire heart it will help on some level.

{right Eva?}

some days are off.
so what.
celebrate them by being off.
really, it is ok.
it is BETTER than ok.
you might be surprised.
being OFF can make you that much more real
and definitely...
that much more lovable.
perfection is SO very boring.
i'm just sayin'.

sometimes. i am just plain confused.

WHO AM I, anyway? 

geez.  

sometimes it is SO CLEAR.

other times it is as mysterious as the black hole.

life can be confusing.

people are confusing.

situations throw me off ALL THE TIME.

{THAT is an understatement, but a good thing - don't get me wrong} 

i really don't know if i want to admit how confused i get sometimes.

i am confident and confused.

is that possible? 

at this age, aren't we supposed to be fairly clear most of the time. 

those important things like: 

who means what....

where your heart is....

what you stand for?

today - it occurred to me - the answer is maybe not ALL the time.

clarity comes and goes.

that is a beautiful thing because it challenges us. 

a.lot.

you never know for certain, because all the restoration we do of our "selves" consistently has a trickle down effect.

it trickles to every single layer of your complex soul. 

sometimes, things we thought we could deal with, we can't deal with anymore - or we just refuse to.

sometimes, the belief that we held dear - goes through  transformation to fit an even stronger belief.  

sometimes, one moment, has the ability to alter your life, significantly. 

 sometimes, a necessary occurrence far beyond your understanding emerges and leaves you trying to pick up all the pieces.

sometimes is seems like a tragedy....
but really - i promise you - and i promise myself - it isn't.

 a NEW puzzle is necessary - a NEW picture is to be painted - far more beautiful than the one that currently is hanging on the walls of your heart. 

 in order for you to grow. 

 things happen. 

and will continue to happen.

forever and ever.

amen. 

i read this today.

"....good is underneath every single thing that appears to be negative.  If we can know that good is all there is, including in a negative situation, then we will see a negative situation transform into all good.  Most people keep the good away from themselves because they label something as bad, and then of course, that become their reality.  But there is no bad in the Universe; it is just our inability to see things clearly from the bigger perspective.  Peace comes from knowing that good is all that exists."

WOWSA.

THAT'S a thinker.

agree - disagree.

either way it has the power to make a person contemplate situations at hand. 

&

it is all good.

i have seen tragedy - heart wrenching - tear jerking - all out hysterical tragedy turn into amazing miracles. 

it just takes time.

faith.

persistance.

and consistently knowing without a doubt that something greater than any of us is there. always.

my day just got a little less numb. 

i needed that.

sometimes writing it out is all it takes. 

i love life. 

it  really, really is a beautiful thing.

my hope for you.

beautiful distractions that lead you to questions and answers and then MORE questions.

it is the only way to live....

may heartfelt chaos be ALL yours.