Friday, October 8, 2010

shift your awareness...

....sometimes don't you just miss that someTHING, or someONE, a time, or even a place? just a little twinge of something inside your heart that longs for that one moment, or that one person, or that one FEELING...but you just can't put your finger on it. i get that way sometimes.... i'm just sayin'. ♥


and that "sometimes" happened last night.
i got a little tangled up.
i don't even know why.
too much thinking perhaps?
too many expectations from me - of me?
all these loose ends hanging in my soul and suddenly a big wind comes up  & tangles them all up into a big GIGANTIC mess.

it happens.
knowing me.
in order to feel whatever it was i was feeling i walked outside.
by myself....
late in the evening.
walked up into the field in the back of my house.
and just sat.
for a very long time.
thinking. about nothing.
is that possible?

then i decided that i needed to just let a few tears fall.
i was alone, i might as well.
i don't even know why.
maybe it was for the family that just lost their son in the war.
maybe it was for a young mother who's husband was taken suddenly in an accident.
maybe it was for all the little things that unfold consistently around me that i want to fix, but can't.
maybe it was for 
what was, what is, and what potentially could be
maybe it was just because i could, and it is a good thing to do.

as the emotions cleared away,
i felt a sense of peace.....
i like to call it a shift in awareness.
deep breath.

making my way back to my front door... i looked up.
at my stars.
{they are the prettiest above my house, did you know that?}
God had a little gift just for me up in the sky last night....something i had never noticed in my entire life.


i have been alive THIS LONG and never noticed.
....what is referred to as pleiades - or the seven sisters.
i am sure i learned about it in the science class i never enjoyed.
i am sure it had been pointed out a time or two through the years.
however....i NEVER really noticed till last night.
i wasn't was waiting for the perfect moment to become apparent...
and that moment was last night.
i felt like columbus discovering america.
i blinked a couple times.
wondering if it was the mascara in my eyes that blurred all the stars together.
sure enough
it remained.
what i was seeing was real and SO breath-taking.

...and all of this because 
i shifted.
i stopped. i noticed.
makes a girl wonder what else she has been missing all these years.

my wish for you.
appreciation for what is.

the next time that you....

....miss that someTHING, or someONE, a time, or even a place?

and just a little twinge of something inside your heart longs for that one moment, or that one person, or that one FEELING...

take a moment.
for yourself.
feel it and find your shift.

...and perhaps you will become aware of the simple gifts that surround you.  
they have been there all along just waiting for you to notice. 
THAT is a BEAUTIFUL thing.
 miracles happen.
wishes come true.
THIS i know for sure.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010 night...a long, long, time ago.

i was a single mama.
did you know that?

it was my birthday.
january 13, 1993
i was turning 20.
i was just a baby....but not.
i HAD a baby. one year old. 
i was a girl who had been through more than most women my age NOW.
i won't go into details. 
just trust me. 
wise beyond my years through experience.

back to the story.

i lived in the basement of my parents house, with my baby boy.
{ i love that boy}
side note: he is now 18. what? how does that happen?
i was going to college full time, waitressing full time, and being a full time mama.
life was busy.
to say the least. was january 13, 1993....

...and i was feeling very, very, very...did i say very? - very sorry for myself.
 i had just gotten done with a 6 hour day at college and then waitressing at MELVINS.
i had a baby asleep.  
...and it was my birthday.
nobody was home.
parents in florida.
empty house.
no celebration.
just me....
 and my 20 year old/ 50 year old soul.

i sat on my bed. 
looked up at the book shelf. 
spotted the 1989 yearbook from NEW LONDON-SPICER Highschool
walked over to it.

pulled it off the shelf

held it in my hands....and let it fall open.

up in the right hand corner.
i saw this.
it fell RIGHT to his picture.

my heart skipped a beat.
christian magnuson.....christian magnuson....
my head did a little inventory of what i knew about him.

i played tennis doubles with his sister.
he had the SAME girlfriend all through high-school.
he was a "nice" guy.

called my girlfriend jenny.
{remember that, jenny?}

one month - 7 days later.
we went on our first date. 
{i will blog that another time}
that was february 20, 1993.

december 24, 1993 he proposed.
september 17, 1994 he married me.

16 years later.  
that SAME yearbook sits to my left this very moment.
we have been blessed.
it has been a road full of twists, turns and everything in between.
i think
no matter what....
i will love him forever.

he's pretty lovable.

thanks, sweetie.
for the good times, the bad times, the crazy times....
thanks for saving me.
thanks for being saved by me.

we have done good.
don't ya think?

nothing is ever perfect....never will be.....truth be told - i don't want it to be....
because perfect is boring.

just to know love....on any level....
is ALL worth it.

...and i love you.
this i know for sure.